


The adventures of college idiots (Text Fic)

by orphan_account



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Disney References, John Mulaney References, M/M, Minecraft, Social Media, Texting, alfreds an idiot, arthur is done with alfred, crackfic, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-01-24 05:27:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21332989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Inspired by all the texting/messaging/twitter fics, I wanted to write my own for fun. This is honestly the funniest thing ive written in a while.Content warning: Lots of sex talk towards the end of chapter 1[One Shot Collective][Wont get updated often if at all]
Relationships: America/Russia (Hetalia), Canada/Prussia (Hetalia), England/France (Hetalia), Germany & North Italy (Hetalia), Greece/Japan/Turkey (Hetalia), South Italy/Spain (Hetalia)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 81





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> One Shots of text messaging they would do  
Theyre all college students, not much written backstory but it has some hints to how I write them in my regular fics.
> 
> The sexual content isn't 100% explicit but very much implied to warnings to be safe!

**WorldHero** added** ArthurKirkland, FrancyPants, MattieMaple2000, IceFlower, Beilschmidt01, Beilschmidt02, PastaBaby, LovinoVargas, Antokneeyooo, SakuraBlossom00, **and** YaoWang,** to **NEW GROUP CHAT**

**WorldHero** renamed chat to **WORKHOES**

**WorldHero**: [[File:Wooofrog.gif](/Wooofrog.gif)]

**ArthurKirkland**: What is the means of this?

**ArthurKirkland** changed his nickname to **CapnArtie**

**WorldHero**: Uhhhhhhh

**WorldHero**: h0m3w0rk h31p

**CapnArtie**: Emglis please.

**CapnArtie**: Englihs*

**CapnArtie**: English*

**MattieMaple2000**: Al tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurn off the group notifications this time please

**MattieMaple2000**: Turn*

**CapnArtie**: This time?? Alfred explain??

**WorldHero** changed **FrancyPants** nickname to **BaguetteCroisant**

**WorldHero**: N0 owo

**PastaBaby**: owo

**Antokneeyooo**: owo

**IceFlower**: O J O

**IceFlower**: W

**CapnArtie**: Alfred explain??

**CapnArtie**: Ivan what in bloody hell is that

**IceFlower**: ^J^

**IceFlower**: A ‘OwO’ Face?

**Beilschmidt01**: How the fuck do I change my username

**Beilschmidt01**: Oh wait what the hell

**Beilschmidt01** changed their nickname to **DemonBoi**

**DemonBoi**: there

**DemonBoi**: [[File:Eggplant01.png](/Eggplant01.png)]

**BaguetteCroisant**: Is that a eggplant with Danny Devitos face @**DemonBoi**

**LovinoVargas**: I just turned my phone on and it froze for 5 minuts

**LovinoVargas**: I will personally come kill whoever started this chat

**PastaBaby**: No don’t!

**PastaBaby**: We can all talk to eachother now! Don’t kill anyone Fratello!

**PastaBaby**: [[File:eio94589243hrfi.jpg](/eio94589243hrfi.jpg)]

**PastaBaby**: Look at this cat

**PastaBaby**: @Beilschmidt02

**DemonBoi**: Wh

**DemonBoi**: Feli why did you tag west

**PastaBaby**: Because

**PastaBaby**: Cats?

**LovinoVargas**: I will kill Hamburger whore and both the potato bastards

**DemonBoi**: ?????????

**DemonBoi**: ??????????????????????????????????????????

**DemonBoi**: ???? What did I do this time????

**LovinoVargas**: Existed

**WorldHero** changed their nickname to **HamburgerWhore**

**HamburgerWhore** changed **LovinoVargas** username to **AngryMidget**

**AngryMidget**: I AM NOT A GOD DAMN MIDGET ALFRED IM COMING OVER THERE TO KILL YOU

**AngryMidget**: I am not that short!

**PastaBaby**: Fratello no

**PastaBaby**: @**IceFlower**

**IceFlower**: [File: AlfredsDormDoor.jpg]

**IceFlower**: :Ok_Hand:

**AngryMidget**: I retract my statement

**CapnArtie**: .

**HamburgerWhore**: Ivan why are you outside my dorm again?? @**IceFlower**

**MattieMaple2000**: @**HamburgerWhore** scroll up

**HambugerWhore**: 0h

**HamburgerWhore**: Wh00p5 :-)

**CapnArtie**: I am so done with you guys.

**YaoWang**: What is this?

**HamburgerWhore** has changed **YaoWang** nickname to **Boomer**

**Boomer**: ???

**Boomer**: I regret ever agreeing to meet you guys

**SakuraBlossom00**: Guys it is currently past curfew please go to bed

**SakuraBlossom00**: Please.

**Boomer**: I agree with SakuraBlossom00.

**HamburgerWhore**: Fine

**HamburgerWhore**: Goodnight.

**PastaBaby**: Goodnight everyone! Dream well! I hope to dream about my ass

**PastaBaby**: PASTA**

**HamburgerWhore**: HAH :LaughingCrying:

* * *

**PastaBaby**: Good morning!

**Antokneeyooo**: Buenos dias Feli

**Antokneeyooo**: I imagine you slept well?

**PastaBaby**: Yes!

**PastaBaby**: Have you seen fratello? He didn’t come back to our dorm after threatening Alfred

**Antokneeyooo**: [File: Lovisleepslikeababy.png]

**Antokneeyooo**: Hes all good!

**HamburgerWhore**: Whoa

**PastaBaby**: Oh Good! I have to go to class now

**HamburgerWhore** changed **Antokneeyooo** nickname to** TomatoesOnly.com**

  
**Beilschmidt02**: Please remove me from this chat.

**DemonBoi**: No

**HamburgerWhore**: One of us

**HamburgerWhore**: One of us

**HamburgerWhore**: One of us

**HamburgerWhore**: One of us

**DemonBoi**: One of us

**Beilschmidt02**: Disgusting.

**Beilschmidt02** has left the chat

**HamburgerWhore** has added **Beilschmidt02** to **WORKHOES**

**HamburgerWhore**: Welcome back

**Beilschmidt02**: Unlike everyone else I actually have school to work on

**Boomer**: I hate all of you

**SakuraBlossom00**: Alfred please turn on the global mute

**SakuraBlossom00**: I have alarms and can’t silence my phone and this is a distraction

**HamburgerWhore**: Fine

**IceFlower**: [File: Gilbertsleepsonthefuckingcommonsfloor.jpeg]

**IceFlower**: :3

**DemonBoi**: What the fuck when did I do that

**MattieMaple**: @**DemonBoi** your dms are off again

**DemonBoi**: ????

**DemonBoi**: Oh shit

**DemonBoi**: Sorry babe

**HamburgerWhore**: babe??? Mattie explain???????

**DemonBoi**: I call everyone babe, right babe? **@Tomatoesonly.com**

**Tomatoesonly.com**: No comment

**BaguetteCroisant**: [File: Wheeze.gif]

**BaguetteCroisant**: He does call his friends babe alfred

**HamburgerWhore**: @**MattieMaple2000** you have a lot of explaining to do when you get back from class

**MattieMaple2000**: There’s nothing to explain :Middle_Finger:

**MattieMaple2000**: This was all I needed to dm him

**Mattiemaple2000**: [File: screenshot_44.jpg]

**MattieMaple2000**: He asked for a copy of the assignment from one of our classes cause he dropped his lunch on his

**HamburgerWhore**: [File: Eyeroll.gif]

* * *

**Boomer** has left the chat

**HamburgerWhore**: Yaoi noooooooooo

**SakuraBlossom00**: ????

* * *

**HamburgerWhore** changed their nickname to **HeroHoe**

**HeroHoe**: Guys I need bleach

**HeroHoe**: You’ll never guess what I saw

**BaguetteCroisant**: ??

**CapnArtie**: It can’t be any worse than that time I saw you shit youself

**HeroHoe**: HEY! I never did such a thing

**PastaBaby**: What did you see Alfredo?

**AngryMidget**: I will gladly pour the bleach in your eyes

**AngryMidget**: Whether what you saw was bad or not I will still do it

**PastaBaby**: Lovi no

**TomatoesOnly.com**: Lovi no

**DemonBoi**: AngryMidget no

**AngryMidget**: GILBERT I SWEAR TO GOD FUFKC

**Beilschmidt02**: Alfred do not put bleach in your eyes

**DemonBoi**: West you no fun

**BaguetteCroisant**: *You’re

**DemonBoi**: Fuck you too

**BaguetteCroisant**: Gladly~

**HeroHoe**: So you know Sadik from the soccer team??

**CapnArtie**: Football*

**HeroHoe**: Soccer.

**HeroHoe**: Anyways so I was in the locker room

**HeroHoe**: HAVE YOU SEEN THAT MANS PENIS IT IS FUCKIN HUGE??

**HeroHoe**: Too large.

**IceFlower**: [File: Untitled.zip; Contains: Untitled.png]

**HeroHoe**:???

**HeroHoe**: IVAN I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD

**Beilschmidt02**: I did not need to see that, Feliciano do not open it

**Beilschmidt02**: Nevermind he did. I can hear his screaming from here.

**CapnArtie**: Impressive

**BaguetteCroisant**: **@DemonBoi @TomatoesOnly.com**

**BaguetteCroisant**: ;)

**HeroHoe**: It is not that big in real life, it can’t be

**HeroHoe**:Theres no way that f

**HeroHoe**: Nevermind

**CapnArtie**: Alfred what were you saying

**MattieMaple2000**: No wonder you wouldn’t let me in our room that one night

**HeroHoe:** Fuck you guys

**IceFlower:** Already did.

**BaguetteCroisant:** Working on it, gil isnt responding and toni says hes busy

**SakuraBlossom00:** Sadik is that big.

**SakuraBlossom00:** Heracles is similar size

**HeroHoe:** Wh

**HeroHoe:** I

**MattieMaple2000: @sakurablossom00** I think you made my brother have an anneurysm

**MattieMaple2000:** [File: Ithinkalsdead.png]

**Mattiemaple2000:** Virtual High five!

**SakuraBlossom00:** What?

**HeroHoe:** Theres no fucking way

**HeroHoe:** I can’t

**SakuraBlossom00:** One second I have a photo to show you

**SakuraBlossom00:** [File: Private.zip, Contains: 01.png, 02.png, 03.png, double.mp4, bridge.mp4]

**SakuraBlossom00:** Make sure to mute the audio before watching

**SakuraBlossom00:** Sadik made me record it.

**MattieMaple2000:** [File: Alfredisfuckingdead.png]

**DemonBoi:** Holy fuck

**CapnArtie:** Wow

**BaguetteCroisant: @DemonBoi** :Lennyface:

**IceFlower:** Congratulations, have you considered selling clips like that?

**SakuraBlossom00:** I would rather not, it was sadiks idea he wanted to be able to replay the moment.

**MattieMaple2000:** Your dms are closed again

**MattieMaple2000: @DemonBoi** 01000011 01100001 01101110 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100100 01101111 01110010 01101101 00111111

**DemonBoi:** Yea I think west is in the italians room so were good

**CapnArtie:** Well this is interesting.

**SakuraBlossom00:** Agreed.

**SakuraBlossom00:** [File: Private2.zip, contains: rope1.png, rope2.png, ceiling.png] @HeroHoe <3

**MattieMaple2000:** Hes currently laying in the middle of our dorm room near crying.

**MattieMaple2000: @AngryMidget @TomatoesOnly.com** isnt that stuff up your alley

**AngryMidget:** How did you know

**TomatoesOnly.com:** Correct

**MattieMaple2000:** Gil told me cause he caught you two one time.

**MattieMaple2000:** But don’t worry. I am too.

**MattieMaple2000:** Rope bunnies unite

**Mattiemaple2000:** [File: Powerpuffgirls.gif]

**TomatoesOnly.com:** Rope Bunnies Unite!

**BaguetteCroisant:** Rope Bunnies Unite!

**CapnArtie:** ????? NOT YOU TOO

**CapnArtie: @HeroHoe** please delete this chat weve gone too far


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Contains: Disney references, minecraft, and Alfred being an idiot  
No real sexual content except for some slight mention of dicks

**WorldHero** reset their nickname

**Worl****d****Hero**: who heres mulaneysexual

**DemonBoi**: sexually attracted to john mulaney or the sexuality of john mulaney

**WorldHero**: attraction to mulaney

**MattieMaple2000**: its hard not to be

**DemonBoi**: hey!

**WorldHero**: those who are mulaneysexual say aye

**WorldHero**: aye

**BaguetteCroisant**: aye

**Tomatoesonly.com**: aye

**MattieMaple2000**: aye

* * *

**WorldHero**: lefou is so fucking gay

**MattieMaple2000**: watching beauty and the beast again?

**WorldHero**: I claim no such thing

* * *

**WorldHero**: Gosh it disturbs me to see you gaston, looking so down in the lumps

**DemonBoi**: No ones slick as gaston

**WorldHero**: no ones quick as gaston

**DemonBoi**: no ones dick is increasingly thicc as gaston

**WorldHero**: theres no man in town half as manly

**DemonBoi**: perfect, pure, a octogon

**WorldHero**: you can ask any tom dick or stanley

**DemonBoi**: theyll tell you whos dick they prefer to sit on

**MattieMaple2000**: [File: alfredfuckingdyingonthefloorx5.jpeg]

**MattieMaple2000**: Congratulations

**CapnArtie**: what the hell

**BaguetteCroisant**: gil you are no longer my friend

**DemonBoi**: what!

* * *

**WorldHero** changed **DemonBoi** ‘s nickname to **Cummies**

**WorldHero** changed **BaguetteCroisant** ‘s nickname to **Cummies**

**WorldHero** changed **SakuraBlossom00** ‘s nickname to **Cummies**

**WorldHero** changed their nickname to **Cummies**

**CapnArtie**: Alfred what are you doing?

**Cummies** changed **AngryMidget** ‘s nickname to **Cummies**

**Cummies** changed **Tomatoesonly.com** ‘s nickname to **Cummies**

**Cummies** changed **MattieMaple2000** ‘s nickname to **Cummies**

**Cummies** changed **CapnArtie** ‘s nickname to **Anti-Cummies**

**Anti-Cummies**: ???

**Anti-Cummies**: Alfred?

**WorldHero** changed **Beilschmidt02** ‘s nickname to **Cummies** **Collector**

**WorldHero** changed **IceFlower** ‘s nickname to **Cummies** **Collector**

**WorldHero** changed **PastaBaby** ‘s nickname to **Smol** **Cummies**

**Anti-Cummies**: What the hell

**Cummies**: Join us

**Cummies**: Become one with the cummies

**Cummies**: al I love you but why

**Cummies**: I disown you as my brother

**Cummies**: nooooo im sorry

**Cummies**: cummies rise up

**Cummies**: we must take down the anti-cummies

**Cummies**: Yeah!

**Cummies** reset all nicknames.  
  


* * *

**DemonBoi**: * aggressively plays the piccolo *

**WorldHero**: The pissed piper

**Tomatoesonly.com**: * slaps pole *

**BaguetteCroisant**: * rubs leg *

**WorldHero**: The band!

**Tomatoesonly.com: **woo hoo!!

**MattieMaple2000**: My sim was using the bathoom at the bar and a couple teleported in and started fucking in that stall

**WorldHero**: Origin story of the pissed piper

* * *

**WorldHero**: frollo x gaston would work cause theyre both french imbociles

**WorldHero**: french simps

**DemonBoi**: but he’s so much smaller than gaston he’d be crushed

**WorldHero**: gastons a himbo so frollo would be on top

**DemonBoi**: wait frollo is gastons little dude right

**BaguetteCroisant**: “Little dude”

**Tomatoesonly.com**: I am offended on everyones behalf

**DemonBoi**: or am I mixing up french imbeciles

**WorldHero**: thats lefou

**WorldHero**: frollo is the bad church man from the hunchback

**DemonBoi**: ohhhhh

**WorldHero**: theyre broth

**WorldHero**: theyre both french imbeciles therefore its the perfect relationship.

**WorldHero**: frollo would top gaston

**WorldHero**: gastons a french simp of an imbecile

**DemonBoi**: yeah he would

**Tomatoesonly.com**: My childhood doesnt like that

  
**MattieMaple2000**: What is it with your obsession with beauty and the beast the fuck

**WorldHero**: id fuck the beast

**BaguetteCroisant**: before or after he transforms

**WorldHero**: Id fuck the beast not the prince

**WorldHero**: hairy motherfucker

**WorldHero**: * swoon *

**MattieMaple2000**: I wish dad would have used a condom

* * *

**CapnArtie**: Alfred just fell down the stairs to the commons and said “this is what I get for livin la vida loca”

**MattieMaple2000**: How does this happen

**MattieMaple2000**: please tell me he wasn’t wearing his healies

**CapnArtie**: I told him not to but he did anyways.

* * *

**PastaBaby**: I just got tom hiddleston and tom holland mixed up

**DemonBoi**: Isn’t hiddleston loki

**WorldHero**: hiddleston is loki holland is spidernan

**WorldHero**: spiderman… spidernan, a grandma who swings on a web

**PastaBaby**: I dont know how I mixed them up I just did.

**IceFlower**: [Spidernan.png]

**WorldHero**: im literally dyi ng

* * *

**MattieMaple2000**: I’ve relocated to the commons

**MattieMaple****2000**: Alfred has been blasting old town road for the last hour

**WorldHero**: The horses are chasing my bread

**DemonBoi**: bread?

**WorldHero**: Bread.

**DemonBoi**: how did you get multiple horses in your dorm

**MattieMaple2000**: minecraft gil. Minecraft.

* * *

**WorldHero**: theyre chasing my bread again help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost all scenarios in this were based off texts between me and my partner. The thing about frollo x gaston is 100% an actual conversation.  
I did get hiddleston and holland mixed up and my partner created this lovely spidernan photo https://imgur.com/titrcrX  
And I work with Ball jointed dolls irl and dropped the parts to one and said "this is what i get for livin la vida loca"  
And finally the cummies thing. So my friend and i had a discord server (its still running though its inactive) and I changed all the nicknames to cummies except for our friend mike who I nicknamed cummies collector because he was the most mature out of all of us.
> 
> Thanks for readin folks this was a doozy to write. I'm currently actively working on a one night stand au for rusame and its going. I'm stuck on a scene but i'll get there eventually

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea why I made this honestly its a shitpost
> 
> I may add more so subscribe if you liked this shitsotrm of a post.


End file.
